Dear Allderdice Parents,

We have heard the community’s concerns and input regarding the new Naviance tasks we have introduced to the current Junior class. It has been an extremely busy past couple of weeks for us. Many hours have been spent staring open-mouthed at spreadsheets, spinning the schedule roulette wheel, and generating ChatGPT responses to parent emails. We sincerely thank you for your patience and understanding.

We believe the new Naviance tasks implemented into our college readiness curriculum are vital for each and every Allderdice student. We assert that our goal should not only be to prepare students for their academic and career-related pursuits but also for social and more intimate situations. So when we require students to complete the “Talk dirty to me boy” task, we are simply ensuring their future success speaking to their partner. The task is nothing but a simulation of a real-world conversation your child might have when they attend a post-secondary institution.

Similarly, the “Get yo fine ass over here: practice booty call” sets out to achieve the same result. With help from specialized PPS funds, we are able to hire a call center in Sri Lanka to imitate a potential romantic partner for your child. Many in the Allderdice community considerably struggle with the challenge of interacting romantically, and this realistic training is significantly valuable for our student body.

Furthermore, we believe in the uniqueness of every child here at Allderdice. The “Discover your Desire Kink Test” is merely another way students can understand their own identity more completely. This task not only comes with the online questionnaire, but also an option for a physical test students can complete using an inflatable figure to see what excites them. The Allderdice storage room runs deep, and most of the materials for this task we were able to reuse from previous years!

The Allderdice PE department was thrilled to participate in this initiative, and gladly helped us introduce one of our newest tasks. For this assignment, students in Gym class must partner up and practice the designated list of intimate positions we have provided. It provides students with not only the emotional readiness they need but the physical readiness that is required if the previous skills are used successfully.

Of course, physical relationships are not everything. The “Chug that Bitch” tutorial teaches students the best and most efficient ways to consume their favorite drinks. The Spanish department is a big help with this one and supplies us with many signatures: Dos Equis, Corona, and Don Julio Tequila are all very well-used.

We here at the Allderdice counseling department are public servants committed to supporting the entire student body’s academic and emotional needs. Many PPS faculty have voiced their praise regarding our team’s creativeness, and Superintendent Urkel even personally gave us a call congratulating us on such an ingenious program. We have your child’s best interest in mind, and we hope you can support us as we prepare them for certain important experiences in the near future.

Sincerely,

The Allderdice Counseling Team