At the start of the school year, the Allderdice administration changed how students could get into the lunchroom. They separated the students into two lines, IDs and no IDs, and turned students away if they were in the wrong one. After this system quickly fell apart, the Department of Increasing Cafeteria Efficiency (DICE) decided to eliminate any procedure whatsoever to get into the lunchroom purely for efficiency’s sake. This “system” was previously used at Obama Academy, but quickly ended after a stampede left two students dead and dozens more injured.
Students are greatly impacted by the lack of policy and are now having to find innovative ways to make their way to the lunchroom. Knives have become very prevalent in the line in recent weeks, along with grenades, crossbows, battleaxes, and other classic medieval swords. One student, who’s often the first one to lunch every day, said his strategy was to “push and twist” his peers out of his way. The situation has become especially dangerous for shorter students, as the risk of trampling has seen a massive increase. Many have stopped trying to get to lunch altogether, but luckily for society, most of these are freshmen. They’ll get there one day.
Similarly, the share table has become an extremely violent area as many students fight for the extra scraps of food. Tents are now set up around it, full of students waiting for their chance to pounce on the last couple of wings. Many turned to bartering, with anything from clothes to homework to precious gemstones available for the right amount of food.
This change also impacts more than just students. Teachers with lunch duty are fearing for their lives. One teacher said, “It’s like the Wild West out here. There are no laws, a lot of alcohol, and tons of violence. I haven’t been this scared since I assigned homework to seniors over spring break.”
Other teachers have already been reported injured, including one who got hit by a barrage of burnt hamburger patties. The teachers are currently organizing an event to protest this unsafe work environment. While the exact details of the protest are unclear, rumors are circulating that the teachers plan to dump cookies-and-cream milk into the school pool.
To combat the chaos, the lunch ladies took matters into their own hands. The first move they made to protect themselves was threatening only to serve hotdogs if any of the lunch ladies were hurt. This seems to be working well at the moment, as no lunch lady has been reported injured, and none of them seem more emotionally hurt than usual. Furthermore, they also started sending students to the bathroom if they saw any pushing in line. Students in the bathroom have to fight their way out, gulag style, to get back to the lunchroom. Overall, the lunch ladies seemed confident about everything except the mystery meat they served.
Lunch is an important meal to get through the school day, especially during these trying times. As the chaos and danger continue, The Backword encourages everyone to take measures to stay safe and healthy in this new environment.
