Allderdice administrations have always had trouble regulating the activities occurring in Dice’s bathrooms. After years of trial and error, admin believes they have found the perfect solution. Bathroom Czar Davies announced that Dice will be hiring off duty bouncers from local clubs to guard the entrance of bathrooms.
In an exclusive interview with The Backword the Bathroom Czar said “We believe this solution will be beneficial to both students, teachers, and bouncers.” She added, “Teachers will no longer need to spend their free periods guarding bathrooms and students will be able to gain valuable experience interacting with bouncers that they can apply to their lives after graduation. In return, the bouncers will be able to form valuable connections with their community while earning some cash.”
Additionally, this plan will limit the need for students to be aware of which bathrooms are open, as all bathrooms will be manned by bouncers all periods of the day. “All students need to do is show a valid student ID and there should be no trouble,” said one of the new hires. In order to limit traffic in some of the busier destinations such as the bathrooms near the cafeteria, bouncers have been instructed to “watch the ratio,” and are encouraged to solicit payment at their own discretion in order to control the amount of students in their bathrooms. We have also been informed by an anonymous source that Dr. Slipped-In spoke to the bouncers, and has made sure that female students have free entry.
The Backward approached Dr. McBigBoy to ask how such a sweet deal was arranged, the principal/ business magnate said “I have a very good relationship in Pittsburgh’s nightlife scene so it was as simple as calling up a few favors.”
He also shared that he got some recommendations of which bars to get bouncers from the staff such as Senor Tailor and Ms. Hermana. In addition, McBigBoy has reportedly been seen out at the local bars dancing on top of tables and taking shots on Friday nights while screaming, “THANK GOD IT’S FRIDAY!”
Thankfully, this new system has not changed Dice’s typical environment too much. Students have reported that the bathrooms deeply replicated typical bar scenes, but have kept much of Dice’s signature touches such as the stench of a mixture of piss, weed, and a hint of industrial cleaning product. As well as a zesty smell left by fruit flavored vapes lingering in every stall.
At press time, a freshman who lost their ID and attempted to present a fake was hurled down the hallway, as one of the new hires shouted “never come back to the 3rd floor annex boys bathroom ever again!”
McBigBoy has reported that the system is working out incredibly well, leaving both teachers and students extremely pleased. After some discussion the administration has decided to move along with this plan of rehabilitating Allderdice, and make the gym replicate a frat house in order to encourage students to enhance their physical activity by allowing them to jump into tables and dance. We are beyond excited to see what other ideas the administration has to improve Allderdice!
